The Day the Music Died

Bill posted this picture today. I thought I had seen most of the pictures our circle of friends had of him. What a great surprise this picture was.

I remember sitting in a room with my brothers, but I don't remember where the room was. We all had our arms around each other, standing in a circle with a boom box in the middle. The box is playing American Pie. And we are all crying. All of us, and some of the guys who were closest to him could barely stand. It was such a profound experience that even at Michael's wedding, I cried when we joined a circle again. It was just too much - I know some people didn't understand why.

John and Michael and I drove to Arkadelphia, AR where Jarratt is buried. We drove all night and got some red carnations and some Molson and "drank a beer" with him. I remember that vividly.

Meg did a picture for John's 40th birthday - a bunch of the guys, including Jarratt and Zerbe piled on a girl - hard to see her face. John looked shocked when I asked him who the girl was - he told me it was me. I don't remember it.

I wonder sometimes about missed opportunities. There was a night in particular that I wonder about - if I had reacted differently what would have happened.

Time passes - and I can smile as I listen to the song now. Thinking about Jarratt, I remember that he Loved John Hiatt. Loved playing Air Guitar. Drank beer from a pitcher. Laughed a lot. I remember his white party hat. I remember his hugs.

I don't remember what kind of pizza he liked or what his favorite beer was. I don't remember what his favorite song was. I don't know what he wanted his career to be, or what his dreams were.

It's been years since Jarratt died. And I still think of him. And wonder what we all missed. Often.

"'In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."

Though he said it in the 1700's, good old Ben Franklin had it right. It's tax time again. Not because it's April but because in April I didn't have my shit together enough to be able to get them done so I asked Eric to file an extension.

In April, my life was just barely out of boxes. I was five months into a move to a city that had always scared me. I was trying to rebuild some semblance of self-respect, a new sense of self when my world had literally been turned upside down.

I couldn't face my taxes. It was....Too Much.

I hadn't balanced my checkbook since April 2007 - I had months of data to enter into Quicken. I couldn't find all of the receipts in the boxes of things I needed. I had all the excuses - the cold truth was that I knew I would OWE.

And I was barely making it.

The cost of living in (and immediately around) NYC was staggering. My car was costing me $800 a month. The cost of my living space tripled - and dropped in size more than 60%. I stillk had the house in NC and the apartment for three months. My December electric bill was more than ALL of my utilties in North Carolina - and I was really cold.

I knew I would owe because I didn't take any taxes out of my unemployment money or out of my consulting money. I knew I was going to owe - a lot.

Fast forward six months. The house sold in late February. I got out from under the car in August. I got all the data loaded into Quicken back in September. Did I get the information to Eric as soon as I could?

Nope.

So I've spent the better part of a day - inside - when it's 75 degrees and gorgeous and not a cloud in the sky, stressing over this. Because today is literally the LAST DAY. I leave tomorrow afternoon (Monday) for Philly. And the taxes are due on Wednesday.

There has to be a better way.

And Meg is right - I end up here every year. Maybe taxes for 2009 will be easier. No mortgage, nothing massive to deduct. I could file a 1040EZ and be done with it.

But I still need to get through 2008.

So to get ready for 2008, I need to enter (you guessed it) five months of data in Quicken. And gather all the papers from the sale of the house. And figure out what Eric will need and start all over again.

Let's hope I do it in January - so I don't end up in the same place again come April.