There's a fine, fine line....

I saw Avenue Q last night with my friend "E".  It was the second time we had seen it, and we've it together both times.  While we had a great time last night - it wasn't the evening I had planned.

I bought the tickets for a guy who was going to come for the weekend. It was the show he wanted to see and it's been planned for six weeks.  He's a great guy - and I really want to care about him.  As Boyfriend Material.  And the truth is - I do care.

He wanders in and out of my life about every six years, and I have *always* had a thing for him.  The timing just always seemed to be off.  On paper, it all works.  We know alot of the same people, share a lot of the same history, have a great time together, laugh and talk when we are together, like the same football team, families live 20 minutes apart, and physically we have Great Chemistry.  But the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing - it alwasy loses something in implementation. 

You guessed it.  He cancelled two days before the weekend, with a list of excuses.  I was devastated.

And while all three of his reasons were valid, he certainly knew about them before he finally let me know he wasn't coming. 

To be fair - we haven't had the "next level" talk.  You know the one, where you move from casually seeing each other to something a little more serious.  I had hoped to do that this weekend, because it isn't really a phone conversation...best in person. 

I didn't want to be unreasonable. I hadn't told him I wanted something more serious, we never talked about it - maybe he thought I was happy with "playing it by ear".  Hardly fair to be angry, hurt or disappointed when you haven't had that conversation - right?

But I am anyway.  "If he isn't calling you, he's just not that into you."  And he doesn't call very often.  So he must not be.  And I am crushed. 

Aren't I worth being someone's priority? Maybe not their top priority, but important enough to call once in a while? Or to say, "Hey - hold off on spending all that money on tickets two weeks before Christmas...I may need to reschedule."  While I'd still be disappointed, at least that's thoughtful. Respectful.

 "There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time."

Sing it Kate Monster....

Strange Angels appear in Crisis Time

Two years later...Meg says I should write again. And frankly, nobody is ever going to read this but me and her so why not. Writing always helped. And things are so rough right now.

And yet as I type that, I smack myself mentally in the head.

This morning on the way to work, being in the midst of:

* Emotional Crisis
* Stress at Work
* (and who are we kidding, most importantly) A serious case of PMS

I stopped into the McDonalds up the street from my office for a good old Number One with a large diet coke.  Two doors before MickeyD's in the bitter cold wrapped up and sitting on the sidewalk was a young homeless man holding a sign that said "Homeless and Hungrey - Please Help."

I should mention it was like twenty degrees this morning.  So I waltzed into get my breakfast and ordered two.  One in one bag with a large hot coffee; one in another bag with my EPDC (ever present diet coke).  Paid the bill, walked out and handed the man his breakfast. 

And - went about my day. 

Now - as I sit here ready to wallow in the midst of a deep blue funk, I'm looking around me and I realize my life is pretty damn great. 

I don't have anyone to share it with but I have a fabulous apartment that I can afford.  It has heat and a warm bed and a dog that is at least happy to see me when I come home.

I work too hard and travel way too much but the people I work for do appreciate and value me, even when I am grumpy because our systems aren't what they should be or the people who feed me the information I need to do my job aren't alway stellar.

I have a family who loves me and is proud of my recent successes.  And God forbid I ever came close to being in the same situation as that young man this morning, they would come get me in heartbeat - no questions asked. As they have done before.

And I have good friends.  Most of them are far away and have their own lives, but they do care.  A couple are close enough to keep things interesting when I poke my head out.

Do I miss love? Hell Yes.  Am I frustrated with work? More than I can say.  Is it the end of the world? No.  Sometimes I feel like it is....but no. It's not. 

Yet another strange angel.....