New Eyes

Meg and I just talked, and she reminded me that I have not written in my blog (on my blog? for my blog?) in over three months. She's right, it's been months.

Remember when Doogie Howser, MD closed every episode by typing into his computer? This was, undoubtably, the first blog. First computerized diary...I have always liked the concept of writing to clarify my thoughts and feelings. Cheaper than therapy (believe me, I have the bills to prove it). As a matter of fact, when I moved I found a BOX of old journals. All the way back to the grade school diaries with the cheap locks. Most of them have entries every day for a few weeks, only to have empty pages for a few months when they are picked up again.

When I look back on these writings, I am usually in some crisis. A failed relationship that is causing me pain, money problems, a job that is slowly killing me, questions about God and my place in this world, pressure from well-meaning people who want me to be happy but only remind me of my shortcomings. I head to Barnes and Noble, find some blank book that appeals to me and pour into it.

After a while, I stop writing. I disconnect. I can't solve it, I can't fix it, I can't adapt. So I disconnect. Sadly, this tends to be my motus operandi. Fake it until you make it, fiddle-dee-dee. I'll think about it tomorrow.

The truth is, it kind of makes me sad that I still struggle with some of the same issues I wrote so desperately about years ago. And yet, I always write again.

Marcel Proust said "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes". Maybe that's my hope for 2009. New Eyes.